Domestic Geek

Ever since I worked at the screenprinter, I've been enamored with the idea of selling shrits online. I've got a problem with Cafepress' TOS, so I'm looking for other alternatives (to actually having them printed and shipped myself). I found a link to a site called Spreadshirt. Must look into this site this weekend.

I drove all the way over there and nobobdy was there AGAIN! This is unacceptable. I'm just about ready to tell them to f*ck off.

I sent an email off to a local mental health facility to see if anybody could offer advice on how to get myself some help. I'm tired of not living my life and if it is indeed depression that has been hindering me, I want to find out and fix it. I can't really remember the last time I felt truly happy and at peace. The most annoying thing is that I can't concentrate. That is so unlike me. I used to be able to concentrate on coding for hours on end. Now, I can't remember what I intended to do like 2 seconds ago.

Here I sit again...middle of the night and I can't sleep. Stupid raccoons fighting outside woke me up about and hour and a half ago. This lack of sleep is taking a toll on my body. I'm sick. My throat hurts. I'm coughing. I had a bone-chilling fever earlier. I hate this. I was researching depression and reading some message boards earlier this evening before Marcus got home from work. I've got to find a way to get help for this. I read that prolonged untreated depression can cause permanent changes in the physiology of the brain. Great. All I know is, I can't concentrate. I don't pursue my hobbies. The whole day can go by and I'll have not accomplished jack. I could've accomplished tons in the two months I've been out of work, but I haven't. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and out of whack. Is there anyplace you can go to get help if you have no money?

I don't want to go back to that job again ever. I went back after 1:30 knowing that the other designer would be there. I really wanted to talk to my boss about finishing the project I am working on and then not coming back. He still wasn't in. *sigh* I brought the project home to work on it and of course I haven't touched it. Now I don't know if I really hate being a designer or if it's the jobs I have had or if it is the depression itself making me want to flee.

Well, I guess I'd better try to get back to sleep.

Yay, my insomnia is back full force. I tried to go to sleep a couple of hours ago, but I've got so much on my brain, I can't. I never thought that on my 40th birthday, I'd be up in the middle of the night bawling like a baby because my life is spiraling out of control and everything I do to try and make it better somehow always makes it worse. Something in my life right now has got to give. I'm tired of going in the wrong direction, making the wrong choices. I'm begging the universe to give me some clue as to what I need to be doing, what move I should make. I just want a job that pays enough money to live comfortably, that gives me some sort of satisfaction, that doesn't feel pointless.

I'm on the verge of going back to pizza. My brakes and the price of gas are the only things that have kept me from applying again so far. I don't want to deliver pizzas again. I know I won't make the kind of money I used to. It'll ruin my car. It's going in the wrong direction, but I don't know what else to do. I only qualified for about $3,000 in unemployment. That'll be gone before I know it.

I wish I had an inkling of another line of work to try or some other type of job I'd be good at. I can't go back to school yet again. I'm already going to be paying off student loan debt until I"m dead.

I wish I knew what to do.

So, today is the last day of being a thirty something. Remember that show? LOL

We had a mini birthday gathering yesterday with Mike and Nina. Dinner at Chili's and then a DQ ice cream cake here. YUM!

Mike and Nina got me one of those musical cards that Hallmark is selling now (it plays Spinal Tap) and Scott Kelby's Photoshop Channels book. Marcus purchased me an Expression Engine 1.5 license and then made an awesome little case for it.